Page 14 of Stay Toxic

I raise an eyebrow, surprised; I don’t remember mentioning what I was studying to him. Maybe Ari told him. “I’m taking a few random electives.”

“Random?” he repeats, unconvinced.

I shrug, rather than launching into a tirade about the fact that I don’t have many choices right now, but I hope to pave some sort of a safety net for the vague time in the distant future when I will.

And Iwill. In three years and seven months, I am free. One way or another.

“Did you already lose?” I ask Sebastian, because clearly he’s not playing with everyone else.

Ari finds that question so hilarious she snorts her drink while laughing her ass off. “Man, if Bass was playing we’d all be broke.”

“Or naked,” Lucy pipes in. “Bass only plays for real stakes, right?”

She winks at him, and I’m blushing again. It seems Ari isn’t the only one who got his attention.

“My cousins and I are competitive. This is the kiddie pool,” he says, tilting his chin towards the group on the floor.

Ari flips him her middle finger.

If he’s not playing with them, I wonder why he’s here? Then I blush.Oh. Likely for a repeat of Sunday. If he’s back, he and Ari are probably seeing each other—more seriously than the second guy, whom I haven’t seen since that night.

I reallyshouldcheck my phone before coming back.

“Speaking of, I should get going,” Sebastian—or Bass?—says. “The grown-ups have a meeting at midnight.”

“Thanks for the booze, man!” Lawrence calls as Sebastian heads towards the door.

On impulse, I find myself getting to my feet. It’s my room, too after all. I should bid the guests goodnight. I feel silly as soon as I’m up, but in for a penny… I go open the door.

It’s stupid. This should be Ari doing it; it’s her boyfriend after all. Or fuck buddy. Orsomething.

“Lovely to see you.”

Gosh, someoneshootme. It’s my roommate’s damn something, what the hell am I doing blushing and escorting him to the door and?—

He remains on his feet for what feels like an eternity, then shakes his head. “Gotta love those Southern manners. Lovely to see you too, pervert. Bye, Ari,” he adds, waving. And then, he’s gone.

The other guests don’t linger for long, finishing their game in less than twenty minutes.

I assure Ari that their presence was just fine again when she asks, and I thank her for sending the text I never saw, before we both crash.

That night, I have two dreams. I can’t decide which one is worse.

7

I’m in the dark. The space is tiny—the door is mere inches from my face. On the other side, I hear them and I know, I know that if I make a single noise, my punishment will be so much worse. But I want to scream. I’m desperate to scream. Beg. Let me out. Please, please, please, let me out.I know no one will.

There’s laughter from the kitchen. Cruel, evil laugher. I’m fairly certain that’s purely from my imagination, rather than my memory. My mother was never the obvious, Maleficent kind of villain. She’s cold, unfeeling, calculating. Silence is more her style than laugher. But here in my dream, I imagine the demons laughing.

And then there’s that voice over all. The voice I’m pretending I never heard, though it sent me running out of state.

It’s not like anyone will miss her.

I wake with a start, sweaty, my heart beating a thousand miles a minute.

I guess I shouldn’t have called it a dream. It’s a full-on nightmare. A recurring one, waking me up night after night.You’d think I’d be over it by now. It’s been over six years since I was last locked in the kitchen pantry—a common punishment when I put on weight. Mother deemed it appropriate: if I couldn’t stop stuffing my face with food, I might as well stay in there. For hours. Days, sometimes.Isn’t she just mother of the year?

I learned to control my weight in order to avoid those punishments when I was sixteen. Swimming, morning, noon and night. Calorie counting. Throwing up, if I had to—though I never liked it. I’m lucky I didn’t develop an eating disorder. But it didn’t matter, because when I was seventeen, and ready to buy a one-way ticket to the other side of the universe, she found another, more efficient way to make me do whatever she pleased. Part of me wonders how long she sat on the information, waiting to use it.